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Hi. Its been a while.
Today in church there was this totally hot female and I caught her checking me out. I wanted to go up to her and say, "Hi, I am, state your name, and I would love to find out more about you". She was standing without obstructions and available and flashing her empty ring finger. Hot hot hot. A few years ago, this would have been great. I have Elsie now and she is the best. So the intro did not happen. In my history, it would probably have been crash and burn in less than four days and another female anyway. I have a loooooong history of that and you can take my word for it. The only strange integer in there would be if the hottie had fed me which extends any possible relationship.
Last night I was at Chris's place and watching the UFC Couture fight which was very disappointing. I probably have spelling errors all over the place here. But, anyway, right before the fight I got a call from my ex-wife. I was hoping it was my son, Josiah, calling to finally touch base. Ha! Well, go figure, it wasn't. Just the ex. She asked if I had a moment and I said no, about fifteen minutes I could call back. She didn't regard that statement and decided to proclaim any number of cussings that I don't know if any sailor even knows. On her second call of about six, I stated that I would not listen to such things and that, if she calls to get my son on the phone and she attempted multiple call backs just to berate me with different names. Would be much easier if she would just simply get my own son on the phone, but she does not. It was a bit comical although not so much so. I don't accept that kind of junk as a man and, if you don'[t accept a gift, it goes back to the sender. Hate to see how her gift has gotten back to her. Too bad she is the recipient of all the ramblings she was saying. I kind of felt like holding the phone up to my neighbor's ear who happens to be my great friend and pastor of my church who I have known for a good eight years or so. Wes has been around me during some strange parts of my life. And he also knows my son, Josiah.
In my years of chiropractic practice I have found that about 80% of what I do is learning about people and their lives and the other 20% is actually the healing part. The 80% of a divorced situation with kids is different. In divorce with kids, you find one of four or so different things. The rarity is the dad who has the kid and, most of the time, you find a dad who is very good about the mom involving herself with the kids life/lives. With the moms, you find a number who are okay with visitation which lies at about 50% of them. The other ways go about 25%/25%. These are the ones who either 1) Wish their dads had something to do with their kids or 2) Want nothing to do with a dad and wish the dad would go to hell and they do anything to get in the way of any possible relationship.
My own situation most closely resembles the #2 of the 25%. I have been adequately prepared for this situation, but, at times, I do wonder since I go through poor coping skills. Doesn't make much sense to me excepting on my own analysis of the DSM text and experience through experiences. Guess you could call it a practice and research orientation.
So, anyway, got the call last night right before the main event and a really always angry ex. Really funny how she is always so angry since I still have no gray and she probably has bunches of it as well as crow's feet. Anger does a lot and it also showed on her mom who probably gave the inheritance (inheritance of angry/controlling lack of accountability behavior). It is a bit perplexing because the ex has done everything in her power to deter me from having anything to do with my son's life and I have just let it be because it is so damaging. Damaging to me (selfishly) as well as my son potentially. It killed me to have to go through it and also fight it so I decided to set it aside. So, since I have let the situation aside, now the ex is vehement about my lack of involvement and that my son is wrenched over the lack of relationship with his dad. Well, there is a saying, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't".
I'm really glad that my friend, Pastor Wes, was there during the call. He's been asking me about seeing Josiah. So has Tonya, his wife. The last time I saw JP was the Monday after Thanksgiving in '05. She showed up at my office in Tulsa after being there for a week and my not knowing it. She showed with my son in my office when I was busy with patients and work and gave me no opportunity during the entire time of their stay to schedule anything since, of course, she did not notify of their arrival. It was a gratuitous fifteen minute "hello" to satisfy her conscience to say that she did her job. JOKE joke joke. So Wes got to hear from the call what kind of animal female I am dealing with before we got to see the potential UFC fight of the year. At least I don't think he could have missed the rants coming out of my ear piece one foot away from his ear.
Wes asks about Josiah about every other time we visit because, for some reason, he noticed my son. He also asks, I think, because he is ready to have some kids of his own. Wes was also near to me when I was breaking my back to stay in business and also stay in contact with my boy.
There was a time when I had JP and Wes did not know it. I brought my son to Sunday school. A day later, Wes visited my office and told me that he didn't know I had JP. I didn't know that Wes even knew what JP looked like. I guess my kid sat in the front row and totally involved himself with the stuff on Sunday and Wes was leading it. I thought that was cool. My own son was doing it like I intend to if something is important - staying front and center. Cool. Josiah is in the game.
There are two sides to the story. I've done my very stupid mistakes and the ex is particular to her dumb mistakes. Who cares? Who wants to throw the first rock? You know what I'm saying? I know that I have thrown a few rocks and have found that they come back and give me a black eye. I hope that, now, I am the one who holds onto the rock and packs it in a secure suitcase. Well, I know I am that one. I also know that I have on what is termed the armor of God. I put it on everyday because I know that, on any given Sunday......I get a call from a b#$@*. Just kind of kidding there. It is the art of war. We are given the tools and they are fit for our warfare. We are told that is so and it remains true. I was recently prepared for last night's little calls by three dreams in the previous two nights involving the angry ex and her proclivities and my parents, as well, with their lack of responsiveness to being on my team. The dreams were extremely vivid and I knew that something was either going to attack or I was just having healing of memories.
There is still a lot more. My parents are involved. You ever have people on your team and they turn on you? A friend you give confidential information to and they send it on to your enemy? That would be my parents. For some reason, they give out the confidential. If you ever want someone to spread what is of FYI, I'll give you their #'s. I still have not figured out if they want to think that any information is everyone's information or if it is simply a living through everyone else's living. I think it is a combination of the two combined with a Munchauser syndrome which is an indepth look which is for another spot on the weblog.
So. The parents and the ex. What was it, the first Batman movie, "Who do you trust, who do you trust", stated by Nicholson as the Joker. For some strange reason my parents thought themselves as counselors and adequate third party to my marriage. Due to my heavy schedule in school and work and everything, I would have to schedule a later "appointment" to deal with any conflict she would come up with. It was just how it was - You have a beef, I would schedule it for later because I had twenty exams coming at me at the same time. This was a legitimate appointment and I knew what could be handled at any given time. What would happen was the ex had/has no patience (like previous phone call mentioned where I stated fifteen minutes and she couldn't wait until fight over) and she would get my parents (usually mom) on the horn and talk about her stuff. Well, the jack was talked over and then my appointment was never kept. So we never dealt with our stuff - all the steam was let out before I could get around to it. I had to tell my parents to stay out and not receive the calls. They never stopped. We divorced.
During the ex stages, the same thing. I had to tell them to stay out. Same thing. They never stayed out. Pisses me off. Probably at the half of my divorce, the parents were on suspension from my team.
When the parents helped the ex move away from me in Tulsa with my son was when they were ejected from my team after already being placed on the bench. It took a slow communication ejection for me. I found it difficult to understand how someone on my team could do such a thing. I would never do that to my own and even if it were to my detriment, I would take anything to the grave.
Here are the things they didn't see. I moved from family and friends to somewhere I didn't like and spent thousands on starting business and spent 24/7 fighting to just be near my kid. A ton of energy, emotion, time, money. I made it - of course. Had nowhere to go but up, you know. But then, my team (parents), helped my son to move away after everything I established. What the hell? My own team? You know what they said? Just quit your practice and move to CO. BS. I just spent thousands, all this energy, time always on and you think I can just throw it and just move to follow the louse of an ex-spouse? What kind of BS is that? So for years I attempted travel back and forth constantly and it depleted the life out of me and stole a part of my sanity. It also has now turned me into a Braveheart kind of guy. I know I am provided for and that Jehovah Nissi is sitting next to me in the convertible and I know who is now on my team -- a bunch of free agents who earn their positions.
Its funny because the parents would continue to get information and then disperse it to the ex as if its all open info and never FYI. So there goes my ex-communicado. Its too bad for me, too bad for them, but loose lips sink tight ships. Still anyway, it drove me kind of crazy for a day.
Like, it is still difficult for me to figure out how someone as close as family could help turn a rudder in such a direction. I just deal with it now and recognize that, sometimes, you have to trade in for a free agent.
So, in the #2 department of divorce where the lady wants nothing to do with the dad. Everything given to the female is ammunition, no matter what circumstance. With my parents, they supplied the #2 and have given it jet fuel with a large amount of information, communication, you-name-its. I had one lady who wished the dad would take the kids, even if just for a weekend so she could get a break. My parents supply that one by baby-sitting and taking my kid in three or more times a week. No more need for time off, I guess. Last I knew, my mom was taking Josiah to the movies with a buddy and probably picking up the tab (nice perk for the single mom, eh? - time off and a monetary discount). Even if you are glorified grandparents, stay out. You are no help retaining strings which should be detached no matter how much you love your grandkid. The strings detach at the time of a marriage. Stay on the team and stay in the game by staying out.
There are exceptions. Elsie Jane is an exception. She is in the 50% with her son and the dad has very good and free visitation rules. Quite obviously this has not driven him to any extremes and Brandon is a great, healthy kid. Elsie then has also afforded an also healthy relationship with her ex-in-laws. She has earned that in a possible adverse situation. Others have not earned it and someone ends up paying when nothing is earned. Thats a rule in our universe - earn and learn and reap the return.
Thats it on that one. There is a lot more and there is detail. Detail against my favor as well as for my favor. There are always two sides to the story. I just wanted to write this when a close friend in my church said today that she didn't know I had any kids. She just didn't know because she never sees me with anyone. That just kind of got to me.
This past week, my friend, Aimee, called and told me she is looking for a job. She is a medical examiner in the PHX coroner. She didn't pass some necessary boards and I didn't know what to say. Aimee is a very very cool chick. Great MD.
I told her to know that everything always works out, even if she doesn't think so at the time. I also told her that she is good as she is and not as she should be. And that she has been made for a purpose and that no one can ever take her righteousness away from her. That, when you think you are about to quit, the light is probably closer than you think.
It probably sounded goofy to her, but those are things that I know.
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